The Heartache of Grief 3 Months After Losing Shawn

It’s been three months since my whole life changed. Three months since Shawn took his own life. The heartache I’ve felt in those three months has been unmanageable. Your whole life is changed in an instant and it’s of no fault of your own. At 1st you think this isn’t real, that this really didn’t happen. It’s like your are in a fog of grief and heartache. Then it starts to sink in that this is real and that you can’t go back. You realize that the person you loved is gone and they are not coming back. So now what? How do you go on? Sure, you go to work and put on a smiley face. You make people think you are ok but that is really just to help them. Because even though people ask how you are or if your are ok, they are really just hoping you will say you are fine. They really don’t want to know the truth because most people won’t be able to handle it. They won’t be able to handle that you’ve cry everyday for three months and you don’t even know how you are surviving without the person you loved more than anything in this world. That you miss the person who you spent 11.5 years with. The one person who knew you better than anyone else. The one who when something was wrong with you without you having to say a word. The person who you talked to the moment you woke and the last person you spoke when you went to sleep. 

People want you to be ok and they want you to move on and be happy and maybe one day I will. But it’s only been three months or  91 days to be exact. I’m learning these things take time. It’s a process dealing with losing your loved one even when it’s from natural causes. What people don’t realize that it’s even a harder more heartbreaking and heart wrenching process when you lose the person you love to suicide. I’ve lost someone heck many people I’ve loved. I lost my sweetheart Calvin in 2007 to a brain aneurysm. I lost my dad in 2008 to cancer, my sister Robyn in 2014 to a stroke. But losing someone to suicide is new to me. It’s a whole new type of grief. It’s nothing I’d wish on my worst enemy. The thought that you didn’t see it coming. The guilt your have that you couldn’t do anything to stop them. I had 3 hours to “stop” him but i’ll talk about that at a later date. 

I appreciate everyone who has been there for me. I appreciate the ones who have reached out. I know this is just the beginning and that my whole life has changed and I have a whole new life ahead of me. Whether I like it or not, it’s changed and I can’t go back. I can’t get the time back. I’ll eventually have to move forward and that in itself is scary. Anything new and different is scary and this is definitely scary. I hope that one day it will be easier and I’m sure it will. It’s just going to take time. Lots of time! But heartache takes time to heal. I Guess time is all I have.