16 Weeks of Heartache

When is it time to forgive?It’s been 16 weeks since everything changed. My whole life changed in an instant. I think I’ve done a decent job of “hanging in there” at least that’s what I tell people when they ask how I’m doing. If I’m being honest it sucks. Everything just sucks. Life was so easy, it was “normal” it wasn’t stressful, it was happy. Now it all just sucks. Everything has or is changing and it’s not even my fault. 

Today I was talking to someone about the Now is the Time note that I found last week. They said to me Now is the time to forgive him and move forward. I realized that I haven’t forgiven him. I haven’t forgiven him for leaving or for taking his own life. I sincerely want to forgive him it just seems so hard to do.  I know he felt he had no other choice and he didn’t see another way out. I know this because he spent 3 hours that day telling me that he was giving up and that he couldn’t handle this one unbelievably ridiculous thing that had happened. He told me that he had “run out of courage.” Those were his exact words. No matter what I said to him I couldn’t get him to see that things weren’t as bad as they seemed and that everything would be ok.  Trust me I spent those 3 hours and the rest of the afternoon telling him things would work out, it will all be ok. But it wasn’t ok and frankly won’t ever be ok again. 

I know that I have to forgive him because deep down I know that he really didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want this to be his legacy, he didn’t want to hurt the people he loved. He wouldn’t have ever wanted to hurt his family and kids like this. I know his heart and I know he didn’t want this to be his ending. I know he had so many dreams and goals, there was so much more he wanted to do. We talked about his dreams so often and we had so many plans. I know this wasn’t the ending he wanted.

I know I need to forgive him but I’m not sure I’m there yet. I’m not sure I even know how. It breaks my heart that I’m so mad at him for what he did. For leaving me and everyone that loved him. I love him so much I don’t want to be mad at him forever. I pray that one day I can forgive him and I’m sure that day will come. I just don’t know when and I know it’s probably not today. 

#forgivness #suicidetherippleeffect #cantwaittoseeyouagain #grief #suicideawareness #suicidesucks #missyou #gonetoosoon